Whatâs the secret to longevity? Take a guess.
If you said genes, wealth, fame or high IQ, try again. Yes, healthy habits and environmental factors play a critical role. But thereâs an even greater predictor of health and happiness in later life: the quality of your relationships.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development began in 1938, when researchers started tracking 268 Crimson sophomores. Among the early participants: future president John F. Kennedy and Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee.
Itâs one of the longest longitudinal studies in the world. And it has found that having close relationships is the best predictor of longevityâand helps delay mental and physical decline.
Thatâs reassuring for retirees who are surrounded by loving family and friends. But what if youâre isolatedâor estrangedâfrom loved ones?
âPeople do better when they have close relationships,â said Mark Sichel, a licensed clinical social worker in Austin. âAnd if you canât have close relationships with family, you can create a second family with close friends.â
For retirees who have drifted apart from family members, reconciliation has its benefits. Aside from boosting your odds of living longer, thereâs joy in re-establishing a severed relationship.
Author of âHealing From Family Rifts,â Sichel decided to reconcile with his estranged father in 2006. His father was dying from leukemia, and Sichel says he âjust showed up in the hospitalâ to reconnect.
âYou have to make the first move,â he said. âThatâs the only way to unfreeze a relationship thatâs been frozen.â
Itâs normal to fear rejection or conflict if you attempt to reconcile. But for Sichel, the gambit paid off instantly.
âMy father was delighted to see me,â he recalled. âI dropped my grievances and he dropped his grievances. It was immediate.â
Sichelâs motive in seeing his father wasnât to raise his longevity. He simply wanted to end the estrangement.
âIt wonât work if youâre doing it for extended life,â he warned. âItâll work if you think [fondly] of the past and youâre very interested in the other person.â
Fixing a broken relationship requires hard work. If you see it as one more step to add years to your life (like limiting your caloric intake or taking a daily walk in the woods), think again.
âThe idea of a longer life is so abstract,â said Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., author of âRules of Estrangement.â âYou may want more concrete reasons to repair a relationship. The abstract notion of longevity may not be sufficiently stimulating and motivating to get you to do the workâ that reconciliation entails.
Whatâs more, some relationships cannot be repaired. Others âmay have broken up with us,â Coleman says, and shut down our attempt to re-enter their life.
If youâre going to initiate contact, brace for impact. Donât assume it will go smoothly like Sichelâs hospital visit with his father.
âIf you take the high road, the other person may not be able or capable of responding at the same level,â Coleman said. âYou may need to take more responsibility than you think is right or fair.â
What should you talk about? Do you begin with an apology and hope to hear one in return?
Thatâs a risky strategy. Rather than focus on who was right and who was wrong, skip to a safer topic. Look ahead and express interest in strengthening ties.
âItâs better to discuss new shared experiences,â Sichel said. âYou need to make a decision that itâs useless to stay attached to grievances and cling to resentments. If you obsess and ruminate about what they did to you, itâs making you sick. Itâs not making them sick.â
For many retirees, the problem isnât fixing a breach in a once-treasured relationship. The real challenge is assessing whether you have the kind of high-quality relationships that breed longevity.
Lucy Blake, Ph.D., a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England, cites two characteristics of these solid relationships: they are relatively conflict-free and thereâs a longstanding affection that both parties share.
âHigh-quality relationships have fairly low or average levels of conflict,â said Blake, author of âHome Truths.â âAnd if there is conflict, itâs resolved well. The second thing is there are warm feelings for the other person.â
Because extreme loneliness can contribute to mortality, itâs never too late to forge bonds with those around us. Even if you no longer enjoy close relationships with family or friends, embracing an active social life can lay the groundwork for quality relationships to bloom.
Thereâs no guarantee that happy relationships will prolong your life. But itâs worth trying to cultivate as many of them as you can, while you can.